FELICITY an epic poem

 Felicity was written and self-published when I was twenty-two, as a book-length autobiographical poem. It is one of my most popular works. I have gone back and whittled away many of the less necessary verses, changed the wording, and made several changes to the ending, for a shorter more polished piece.

FELICITY

Youth

PART I

1.

A house surrounded by woods down a rocky dirt road

Where mother sips wine, father does woodwork, brother watches TV, and sister listens to Pop idols.

This world around me doesn’t exist, only the world in my playtime. The hero against the villain, to rescue his maiden, to make her his bride.

2.

I chase her at recess,

I catch her and I say,

Let’s go to the forest.

And that’s where we play.

The hero’s hideout,

Is where I take her away.

I have a fair lady,

Felicity is her name,

The childhood playmate,

Who lets me play my game.

3.

It is spring and we run,

The buttons on her overalls shine in the sun.

Yellow like the sunflowers,

From the seeds I would plant.

4.

The sunflower grew tall like me,

And stood straight to reach the sky,

That was Kindergarten,

A kind-of-garden,

Where sunflowers grow.

PART II

1.

I cannot nap in school,

So I play alone in a quiet place,

And build castles to rule.

I know my letters.

I learn to wake words,

So that like building blocks I may build.

2.

I live in a house surrounded by woods

down a rocky dirt road

and down that road I find my friends,

and in those woods we build hideouts,

we start campfires hoping not to get caught,

I sit on a rock, next to Felicity and feel warm.

3.

we rode our bikes to the sandpits

there were no grownups,

you said what you wanted

and it was okay to swear.

I like Felicity,

I told my friend

And it was a secret.

That which is sacred

is kept secret

in the sandpit.

4.

I scribble on a note,

On crumpled paper,

Felicity, I like you, more than friend.

Please, Felicity…

No, she says.

ADOLESCENCE

PART I

1.

Middle School they called it.

A house of brick

could not protect

from the wolves,

Who huffed and puffed.

Sometimes you fall off the wall.

And there is no king,

With his horse and his men,

To try to put you

back together again.

Forget about the pieces missing,

I am whole because of

the pieces that are there.

2.

In my notebook,

I use my Letters to make Words.

Like building blocks I build.

To the teacher who won’t know

and won’t hear:

I am a round object,

That can’t fit in a square place.

I toss away your books,

Like the hero who was an outlaw,

Who defended the people,

And I stand to defend myself.

3.

They open my head to pick,

What makes me tick?

Why the joke?

They look in and poke.

They give me a pill.

The outlaw is dead,

Killed by the pill.

The pill

can’t kill

the will.

I must leave the house of brick.

There is a tree,

For me

I see.

like the one I used to climb

when I was a young hero.

4.

Away from the teachers in the house of brick

And the wolves who huff,

Is a place of learning where I belong.

PART II

1.

I stand alone again,

As a dark figure,

And I still hide.

I see the world through lenses,

And I hide in a darkroom,

Where the images come through,

In black and white.

2.

Amongst the photographs I see,

The face of Felicity,

And she stands tall,

Like a sunflower reaching for the sky.

Felicity shows me color and light.

In the streets where she wanders,

Her world of wonder.

With photographs and paintings,

In museums,

And places to sit,

Like cafes and curbs,

To tell stories,

Like on a rock by a fire,

Like the one from long ago.

3.

I have a heart-shaped jewel,

On a ring I hope she’ll wear,

I ask her,

Will we ever be more than just friends?

But there’s someone else.

4.

I find the music man,

We ride in the van

On the rode to mischief,

And I toss away the pill,

In favor of smoke.

Now I can joke.

And when High School ends,

I toss away the smoke,

As easily as I tossed the pill.

I feel calm before the storm,

When High School ends,

And I leave myself imprisoned.

MATURITY

PART I

1.

Stuck in a box

with no air holes

I suffocate.

I want to run,

Run, run away,

There’s no room to run.

I go out at night,

Around the block,

And find no way out.

I search to find,

A place to wander,

Like a new place of wonder.

2.

I have my friends,

The music man and his singing bird,

They respond to my SOS,

e-mails I sent,

like messages in bottles.

The me they knew,

Has become a weak child,

And wants to be rescued

And brought back to life.

3.

I leave my childhood house,

And I leave the memories,

and I ask,

Where am I now?

I cram my belongings

In a small crowded room,

I am claustrophobic

And this is an adjustment

I won’t get used to.

I don’t know what to do with myself.

I can’t find a purpose.

Only in creating shapes with WORDS.

But there are shapes out there

that move by themselves.

Some shapes are even

big enough to knock me over

and I need to learn to survive the impact.

4.

Punch in.

Punch out.

I put on a hat

and uniform.

People

pulling.

This.

That.

Fast.

Now.

I sweat.

I stress.

I scream.

An ice

scream.

PART II

1.

She’s the one familiar thing,

In this suddenly unfamiliar life.

Everyday I put on a uniform

Like in a factory

A factory of ice screams.

The only face I know,

Is the face of Felicity.

What are you doing this weekend? I ask.

I’m free this Friday. She replies.

And Felicity is in my life again.

2.

She sits in the driver seat,

Beside me, like on the rock by the fire,

Or on the curb in her world of color and light.

I kiss her cheek,

She pushes away,

I made a mistake.

Is she the one trying to slither away?

Or am I the snake,

Trying to make her my prey?

3.

I put that aside, when I answer a call,

And the songbird cries me a lullaby.

It is a song without music,

And I want to heal her broken wings.

She was the singing bird,

Who with the music man

Brought me back to life,

So I try to return the favor on both sides.

4.

I go with the music man,

In a moving van,

Filled with our belongings.

treasures of two troubled artists.

Leaving one world behind.

And entering another.

An apartment next to a park,

In a quiet community.

JOURNEY

PART I

1.

Everyday I walk.

Everyday I beat obstacles.

I fight bitter cold,

Snowstorms,

Heavy rain and thunder,

And I come out alive every time.

I find courage in battle.

When I am finished

fighting wars and slaying dragons.

I can come home a brave hero.

I come home to settle

with a few bottles of beer

one of life’s simple pleasures.

I drift off to sleep

And in the morning

I shall fight again.

After years of starving

I am finally fed.

Years without sleep

and finally I’m rested.

I can call this place home.

2.

I am not the hero I made myself out to be.

Only to myself.

The Music Man still plays the blues

The songbirds wings grow stronger

But still she may fall.

I can come to their aid if they need me,

But I still need them,

When I find myself imprisoned and without my sword.

3.

When the music man departs,

I have to adjust again,

I have to find my sword,

Faced with difficult times,

I have to bear the cold.

Alone against the world,

I fight alone,

But I still remember Felicity.

I have to fight my own battles,

There is no Music Man,

To fight along with me,

It’s just me against my enemies,

But I have strength within

Me to fight my hardest.

I use my letters to make words.

I use my words to fill books.

4.

Felicity is far away,

Maybe over seas,

Maybe in the forest,

Home to the outlaw hero,

Is it possible for me to still find her?

I have choices,

To go away or to not?

Is it possible to see places I’ve dreamed of?

Is I possible to find my maiden?

PART II

1.

I have tickets to board a plane,

To film school,

If I can fund school.

I dream I fly away,

In a bird with great wings.

I step off to find Felicity,

The stands over me,

like the buildings I see.

Like the flower high as me.

Will she show me the paintings?

Will we sit in front of the fire?

I’ve found my Felicity,

She’s with me once again.

2.

I awaken in my bed from the dream,

And I am on my own.

Felicity is out there,

but I don’t go after her.

She can find me here

if she chooses

to go searching.

I need not go after her,

because I can stay here and fight,

and I can fight alone.

I am a lone hero

I need no army to defend me.

I am no longer

a young hero.

I am a fully grown Hero,

ready to defend

ready to protect,

myself on my own.

3.

She is my spiritual leader,

She always breaks my heart

so that it can heal

and grow stronger

so that I can Love her again.

Felicity

is the muse,

inspiring happiness,

inspiring Love.

Felicity

is happiness itself.

The Art inspired by the muse.

Inspired by Love.

Felicity

is happiness in the accomplishment

of having created the Art,

Having once Loved.

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